These suggestions can make the process less painful for kids. Parents will need to interpret them in their own ways; honesty, sensitivity, self-control, and time itself will help the healing process. Be patient — not everyone’s timetable is the same.
Encourage kids to openly discuss their feelings — positive or negative — about what’s happening.

It’s important for divorcing — and already divorced — parents to sit down with their kids and encourage them to say what they’re thinking and feeling. But you’ll need to keep this separate from your own feelings. Most often, children experience a sense of loss of family and may blame you or the other parent — or both — for what they perceive as a betrayal. So, you’ll really need to be prepared to answer questions your kids might raise or to address their concerns.

Make talking about the divorce and how it’s affecting your kids an ongoing process. As kids get older and become more mature, they might have questions or concerns that they hadn’t thought of earlier. Even if it seems like you’ve gone over the same topics before, keep the dialogue open.

If you feel like you get too upset to be of real help to your kids, ask someone else (a relative, maybe) to talk to them. Group programs for kids of divorce run by schools or faith-based organizations are an excellent resource for kids going through this.

It’s natural for kids to have many emotions about a divorce. They might feel guilty and imagine that they “caused” the problem. This is particularly true if they ever heard their parents argue about them. Kids may feel angry or frightened, or worried that they will be abandoned by or “divorced from” their parents.

Although kids may struggle with a divorce for quite some time, the real impact is usually felt over about a 2- to 3-year period. During this time, some will be able to voice their feelings but, depending on their age and development, other kids just won’t have the words. They may instead act out or be depressed. For school-age kids, this is usually evident when their grades drop or they lose interest in activities. For younger children, these feelings are often expressed during play, too.

It may be tempting to tell a child not to feel a certain way, but kids (and adults, for that matter) have a right to their feelings. And if you try to force a “happy face,” your kids may be less likely to share their true feelings with you.
Don’t bad-mouth your ex in front of the kids, even if you’re still angry or feuding.

This is one of the hardest things to do. But it’s important not to say bad things about your ex. Doing so often backfires and kids get angry at the parent who is saying the bad things. No child likes to hear a parent criticized, even if it is by the other parent. It’s equally important to acknowledge real events. If, for example, one spouse has simply abandoned the family by moving out, you need to acknowledge what has happened. It isn’t your responsibility to explain the ex-spouse’s behavior — let him or her do so with the kids.
Try not to use kids as messengers or go-betweens, especially when you’re feuding.

Kids don’t need to feel that they must act as messengers between hostile parents or carry one adult’s secrets or accusations about another. Don’t question your child about what is happening in the other household — kids resent it when they feel that they’re being asked to “spy” on the other parent. Wherever possible, communicate directly with the other parent about relevant matters, such as scheduling, visitation, health issues, or school problems.
Expect resistance and difficulties as kids adjust to a new mate or the mate’s kids.

New relationships, blended families, and remarriages are among the most difficult aspects of the divorce process. A new, blended family doesn’t eliminate the impact of divorce — in fact, research shows that kids in these new families experience problems similar to those who remain with a single parent.

So, it’s important to assure kids that they still have a mother and father who care for them and to help them blend into a new family structure. Don’t expect kids to accept a stepparent as another parent right away, though — that will take time. The initial role of a stepparent is that of another caring adult in a child’s life. Tell kids that the stepparent needs to be respected the same way that they respect teachers, coaches, and other adults who help them.
Seek support groups, friendships, and counseling. Single parents need all the help they can get.

Support from clergy, friends, relatives, and groups such as Parents Without Partners can help parents and their kids adjust to separation and divorce. Kids can meet others who’ve developed successful relationships with separated parents and can confide in each other, while adults need special support through these trying times.

Whenever possible, kids should be encouraged to have as positive an outlook on both parents as they can. Even under the best of circumstances, separation and divorce can be painful and disappointing for many kids.

And, of course, it’s emotionally difficult for the parents. So it’s understandable that, despite their best intentions, some parents might broadcast their pain and anger. But parents who can foster a positive adjustment and good times, even during difficult circumstances, will go a long way toward helping their kids — and themselves — adapt and move on.

I recently went through this myself, birthing three children in five years; they’re all about 18 months apart. I still remember what a contrast my old life was—house clean most of the time, quiet, peaceful, restful nights, a time when I could actually focus without interruption. My adjustment to new parenthood has been fun and adventurous, as well as challenging. I have considered what has helped me the most, and I hope these tips will help you, too.

1. GET THE LEAST EXPENSIVE STROLLER I hope you haven’t already spent a hundred dollars or more on a standard stroller. I guess some moms have gotten used to them, but in my experience, they are monsters. With three small children (or even one) I need something that is easy to drive and which I can maneuver with one hand when needed. I have discovered that the least expensive umbrella stroller is the best to use. You can go to Wal-Mart and get one for $10. They fold up easily, can be driven with one hand, and fit anywhere. I have strolled my baby in there as young as three months. When my babies were younger than that, I discovered that I could easily attach the infant car seat to the stroller—I just fit it in facing front, and used two strips of fabric to tie the top bar (in the back position) to the handles of the stroller. Obviously, if you do this, you have to assume responsibility for any risks, but it worked for me like a charm. I did once venture into trying the $30 umbrella stroller with an awning, but the awning broke within a month and it was much harder to maneuver than the $10 one. So I’ve learned that the cheaper the stroller, the easier it is to drive. By the way, I’ve also figured out how to use my strips of fabric to tie two umbrella strollers together, one slightly in front of the other, to make a double stroller. Easy as pie and still easy to drive! (Forget about those bars you can buy to attach them together—it won’t fit through a standard door!)

2. USE A BACKPACK DIAPER BAG Forget the standard diaper bag. We moms need use of both our hands as much as possible. When I started out, backpack diaper bags were unheard of. Now you can purchase backpacks made to be diaper bags. Get one of those or just a regular purse backpack; I bought mine for about $10. An ideal one would have two halves: one for the diaper bag, one for your purse items. Keep your purse and diaper bag items simple and organized (use ziplock baggies if you need to), and you’ll be set! A couple rules of thumb: always have one more diaper than you think you need; always have one change of clothes until the child is beyond potty-training; have a plastic bag to put soiled clothes in; and make sure you have a back-up binky or burp cloth or whatever your baby gets attached to, if applicable.

3. ORGANIZE YOUR HOME BEFORE BABY ARRIVES You won’t believe how much clutter a newborn can bring to a house! It all begins with that first baby. Get a head start by carefully planning and organizing ahead of time. Or, if baby is here, organize as soon as you can! Here are some things you’ll need:

A basket in every main room for toys. It’s a cinch to pick up all the toys and toss them into the basket at the end of the day, and your child can learn to do this independently at a very young age.

A well organized changing table: we use my old vanity. My babies could look at themselves in the mirror while being changed. I also like to put a bright poster on the ceiling directly above the changing table.

Designate a place in the kitchen for bibs, baby bottles, baby dishes & utensils, etc. or they will take over your counters and drawers.

Organize baby clothes in boxes by gender, season & size in a storage area. You’ll be going through baby clothes every two or three months.

Keep large items to a minimum or they will take over your house. In our cozy bungalow, we decided not to have a baby swing, as it would take up too much room. I would often have my baby rocking in the infant car seat with toys across the bar, so I never bought one of those “infant hammock seats” either. We do have one “johnny jump-up” seat which folds easily for storage. Think carefully about bringing large items into your home.

4. FIND A WAY TO GET YOUR SLEEP I know this sounds impossible, but it can be done! There are several books out there on how to help your baby sleep through the night. My friends and I have found that the method described in “On Becoming Babywise” and “On Becoming Babywise II” by Gary Ezzo and Dr. Robert Bucknam works wonders! All of my babies were sleeping through the night by eight weeks old! I learned from experience that when I carefully followed this method my babies slept through the night, and when I didn’t, they didn’t. It’s like night and day. Our sleep is so important; our personality changes when we haven’t had enough. For me it’s the difference between being joyful and patient with my children or irritable and upset at every little thing. Every parent can relate to this, and we all need our sleep—our babies do, too. Try it and see for yourself—you’ll be a new person once you start getting some sleep!

5. RELAX AND ENJOY! This stage will be over before you know it, and babies are so precious. Enjoy this time fully. I once met an older woman who wished she were back at this stage of life again. My youngest is now a toddler and I am already missing having a sweet baby to care for. One of the best ways to enjoy your new baby is to make sure you take time for yourself, every day if possible. This could be as simple as a bubble bath at the end of the day, or reading a great novel, or working on a hobby. As you take care of your own needs, you’ll be able to better care for and enjoy your growing family. Choose to be joyful today, and your whole family will benefit.

I hope these tips encourage and enable you to be a successful, joyful parent. They should also give you an idea of what’s ahead. Good luck and happy parenting to you!

Driving Mum and Dad Mad was shown in spring 2005. This 6 week series followed the experiences of 5 families as they worked to change their child’s behaviour by attending a Triple P group run by Professor Matt Sanders from the University of Queensland.

According to ITV figures an average of 4.23 million viewers watched “Driving Mum and Dad Mad” (range 5.1-4.1 million) and it was a top rating series at the 10pm time slot.

The Great Parenting Experiment in brief

The Great Parenting Experiment began in February 2005, two weeks before Driving Mum and Dad Mad went to air. Prior to the series, 500 families completed questionnaires on their child’s adjustment, family functioning and other family information. Because this was a trial to test the effects of self-directed parenting assistance, families were randomised to either a standard condition, where they were simply encouraged to watch the series, or an enhanced condition. Families in both conditions had access to Triple P tip sheets related to each episode of the TV series via the ITV website.

In the enhanced condition, families were mailed a Triple P self-help workbook, which contains specific guidance, activities and recording diaries for families to work through over a 12 week period. In addition to this, families in the enhanced condition were encouraged via weekly email messages to pay particular attention to specific features of each episode, and also had access to an email helpline run by Triple P in Brisbane.

Families completed the first round of follow-up questionnaires 12 weeks after the start of the series. Families were emailed and asked to complete the same set of questionnaires as they had prior to the start of the study. In addition to an email reminder, all families were contacted, reminding them to log on and complete the questionnaires.

Findings

* Families in both the enhanced and standard conditions reported significant problems with their child’s behaviour at the beginning of the study.
* Families in both conditions reported improvements on several of the questionnaires.
* Families in the enhanced condition were more likely to report improvements than families in the standard condition in:
o Child behaviour difficulties
o Parenting strategies
o Parental anger about child behaviours
o Parent disagreements about discipline
* For both conditions, over a third of the children with significant behaviour problems at the beginning of the study, had scores in the normal range after taking part.
* The greatest improvement was in the enhanced condition, where the mean number of child behaviour problems reported dropped into the normal range.

All families were followed up 6 months after the series. The figures confirmed that there were long term benefits from participating in the study, with child behaviour remaining improved over this time.

Conclusion

This study provides the first evidence that a television observational documentary series depicting parents participating in an evidence-based parenting intervention can have a marked effect on child behaviour problems and parenting practices. The positive effects from just viewing the program were enhanced when supplemented by providing individually tailored written and web based support.

VISIT SITE

Federal and state campgrounds are the best choice for value and free programs for kids. If you can afford a little more, try a private campground which will offer a swimming pool and laundry facilities on-site. But, for value, you can’t beat the public campgrounds. Forget the pool! Pick a campground with a lake or beside the ocean. The kids will remember their natural surroundings, not a chlorine-filled pool. Choose a beautiful, natural setting with fresh, clean air and free guided explorations or programs. The National Park System has great family-friendly programs. Pick up the schedules and reservation information when you check in with the Rangers. The Junior Ranger Program in the National Park System is a perfect, guide-sheet for the harried single parent. Sign them up when you get there.

2. Plan and book early.

Book early. The popular vacation times fill up quickly. Begin planning your camping adventure in January. Involve the kids! Have them help you research what they would like to see and do. Do they want a sea-side adventure? There are campgrounds right on the beach. Do they want a mountain experience? The possibilities are endless. A credit card is not needed. You can book by web-site or phone and send a check or money order to reserve your place. http://www.reserveamerica.com/ is the web-site for national, state and private park reservations. This site has oodles of information to help you plan your trip. There are links for anything you need as you plan your camping adventure.

3. Travel to a nearby state.

Nothing gets kids more excited that leaving their home-state for another. They want to be able to tell their friends that they are going somewhere new and exciting. So, even if it might be easier to camp in your own state, consider driving to another. Renew your AAA membership in case of a flat tire or locked car on the road. If you don’t have a cell phone, buy a pay-as-you-go phone just for the trip. Pack the car the night before. Change your oil. Check your tire pressure. Check your breaks. Involve the kids in this aspect of the trip preparation. Write a final check-list and have the kids read and check-off all the items that the family will need. Leave at sunrise. Plan some fun pit-stops, bring a picnic lunch and give your kids the opportunity to pass the “Welcome to…..” sign as they drive into another state. Let an older child be the navigator with the map. Forget the GPS. Give your kids the opportunity to learn real navigation skills as they look for the next highway route.

4. Pack lightly, but bring essentials.

The worst financial mistakes that I’ve made camping with my kids has been spending money on things that I should have brought from home. Its infuriating when you have to spend your extra vacation money on laundry detergent, dish-washing liquid or even salt, pepper and sugar.

My advice is to pack lightly on the clothes, but don’t forget the essentials like medicine, bug- spray, sun-block, cooking utensils, sleeping bags and pillows, a radio that uses batteries, flashlights and a lantern. Make a first run to the local grocery store for lighter-fluid, safety lighter, ice, and perishable foods like milk and bread.Buy your perishables sparingly. Buy a large container of water and fill up your water bottles. Remember, the less food preparation you have, the less clean-up for you. Paper plates and cups are the way to go. Cereal in the morning. PB&J for lunch. Healthy Hot Dogs for dinner. For your dishes, bring two small plastic bins or containers. Soak your dishes in hot soapy water before you bring them to the wash-station. Use the other container for rinsiing. Fill up on fruits like apples, bananas, oranges, and local berries. Please bring a large garbage bag for everyone’s laundry. If you stay longer than three days, you’ll have to make a trip to the laundramat for your own sanity. Also, bring two big bins for your dry supplies. Bring extra garbage bags to clean up your site every day. Trash around your site will just drive you nuts!

5. Plan your camping trip with a flexible schedule. Think like a teacher.

The best camping trips involve a flexible schedule. Give the kids choices. Know what you can’t afford and take it off the menu. If you can’t afford the go-carts, miniature golf, or arcades, then don’t offer the choice. Do they want to go on a hike in the morning or go to the lake? Keep them busy. Talk about it the night before so they can get excited. Which trail should you take? Why? Have them bring a journal and draw pictures or describe what they do. Plan an activity for the morning and one for the afternoon. Don’t leave it open-ended. Are they getting bored with the lake? Take them out for a canoe-ride. Have fun trying to maneuver a row-boat. Get a license and try some fishing. Get a kick out of paddle-boat. Always make them aware of what is around them. Ask questions. What kind of wild-life do they see during the canoe trip? Canoe near the land and look for spiders or insects on the bushes. What kind of insect is it? How could they find out? Describe it to the ranger. Research it at the nature center. Just for a week, pretend you are a teacher, not a parent. Open their eyes to the natural world around them.

6. Keep your expectations developmentally appropriate.

In other words, if you go camping with an infant, toddler and/or a preschooler, give yourself a break. You won’t be able to over-schedule the kids. They’ll need naps and more down-time. You’ll be focused on their child-care needs. Keep it simple and easy on yourself. Go for walks with a jogging stroller. Return to the campsite often. Go for sight-seeing drives for yourself while they nap in their car-seats. Limit their sun-exposure. Don’t forget the bug-spray and insect nets. Definitely bring a play-pen or an expandable circular gate. Keep your toddler in here when you are setting up or breaking down your site, preparing dinner, or are otherwise distracted. Strap them in their car-seats in the car while you unpack and set-up etc. Don’t forget to put on your emergency break. Don’t worry about temper tantrums when you have to use these safety measures. This is a campground and no-one pays attention to children crying. You’ll only get attention if you are being neglectful of the children. Keep them on your site and away from the fire. Don’t allow them to wander into the poison ivy or get lost in the woods. Be vigilant!

7. Camp with another single parent or bring a friend or relative.

Camp with another single parent and his or her kids in side-by-side sites. You’ll give support and company for each other. Remember that the ages of their children may conflict with the activities of your children. A good solution of mine was to have both separate and joint plans for your day. You don’t have to be joined at the hip. Rotating meals is a fun way to save money and socialize during dinner. Preparing a potluck meal together is also cheap and tasty. If a friend or relative joins you on your trip, ask them to be a team-player. Nothing will be more frustrating for you than a friend or relative who is not supportive. Sometimes its better to camp alone with the kids. But, if a favorite aunt, uncle or grandparent wants to be part of the adventure, give it a try.

8. Dress up for an evening on the town.

Camping is fun, but sometimes the girls may want to play dress-up and stroll down the promenade with their hair done. Don’t laugh. This “night out” might just put a spring back in the step of your jaded tween or preteen gal or guy. Sometimes a few days of roughing it makes them feel grumpy. Seriously, pack a change of nicer vacation clothes, nothing fancy, and plan an evening out. Wash and vacuum the car. This is the night where you might budget for dinner at a “nicer” restaurant. Go to a movie. Have some ice-cream. Window-shop. Let them splash on some perfume and lip gloss and they’ll think they’re living large for the evening.

9. Safety and Sanity tips for single parents camping.

When a single parent is camping alone with kids, keep in mind some personal safety and sanity tips:

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Camp in a family-friendly campground,

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Keep away for remote sites. Ask for more popular areas in the campground,

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Check out your neighbors when you pull in. If the single man or woman in the site next to you looks a little strange, go with your first instinct. Go back to the ranger and ask for another site,

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Raccoons are not only a nuisance, but can be a health hazard. They may have rabies. Keep all your food out of your tent and in your car. Remove all traces of food on your site. Wash down the picnic table. I have been known to pack the kids in the minivan in the middle of the night if the raccoons wouldn’t leave the site. They are notoriously brazen.

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Bears are an even greater threat. Again, take precautions with your food clean-up. No food should be left in the tents. Ask the ranger if bears are visiting the campground. Follow their advice.
*

Try, try, try to put the little ones to bed early so that you can relax. Have a beer or a glass of wine (unless you are in a state or federal camp-ground). In any case, speak to your doctor about a medication that may help you manage stress if you are afraid of handling trips with the kids alone. If stress and anxiety is keeping you from camping or managing outings with your kids, speak to your doctor. We all feel stress when we are parenting alone. You are not alone. Medications are available that will ease your anxiety without impairing your ability to care for your children if taking as prescribed. While I am not a medical professional and cannot give medical advice, I believe that stress and anxiety should be managed by your doctor instead of your local liquor store. Just think about it.

10. Know when it may be time to abandon ship.

Prepare the kids in advance for the variables of Mother Nature. Tell them that although you will all try to stay for the entire vacation, there may be the possibility that the family leaves early. Don’t use this as a consequence. Children and parents may get sick. The weather may become a threat to health and safety. But, don’t let the first rainstorm send you packing. Older kids love to battle the elements. They love to dig trenches for the tent and batten down the hatches in preparation for rain and wind in their all-weather ponchos. In the morning after a storm, pack up the kids with any wet sleeping bags and damp clothes. Throw the clothes in the dryer at the laundromat, then treat them to a warm shower and a hot breakfast. After the clothes are dry, check out the nature center. When they return to the campsite later, they’ll enjoy drying out the site and building a fire. Remind them that this is a challenge that they have overcome. They are learning survival skills. Frame the entire experience as a challenge. They will have great stories to tell friends and family when they get home.

A final thought: never let your status as a single parent stop you from giving your children every vacation experience that they need. Don’t let money stop you. Don’t let fear stop you. You are not alone. Millions of single parents vacation with their children every year. You can too! Be creative. Be brave. Teach them valuable life-lessons in survival, planning, conservation, global awareness and self-confidence. With a little planning, your family will enjoy an affordable and memorable vacation. Don’t forget your camera. These memories are priceless .

But, how, you ask, can you possibly find the time to do anything more? Your day seems as if it is stretched as far as it will go now? Relax, it is possible to do many little things that require a minimum amount of time, but will have lasting effects to brighten your day. First of all, there are some basics that you need to incorporate as good habits in your day. Pay special attention to diet, exercise, stress management, and getting a good night’s sleep. These, in and of themselves, will increase your stamina and make stress less exhausting to your body.

One of the most important things to remember in making time for oneself is that there are only 24 hours in each day, 16 if you allow yourself some sleep. Sixteen hours just aren’t enough to tend to yourself, your children, your work, your home and your friends! This is a very important principle to understand. You should not consider yourself a failure for not being able to do everything, all of the time. You have to realize that you are only human. You have limits, and you can only do what you are able to with the time and energy that you possess. Furthermore, you are not perfect. There are things that you will have to let go of from time to time. Just make sure that whatever it is that you find yourself giving up; do not neglect your own needs. If your needs go unmet, you have nothing left of yourself to share with your children. As parents, our most important job is to make certain that our children grow into well-adjusted adults. That is why it is important that we leave enough of ourselves intact to share with our children.

An important start in making time for oneself is by practicing time management. Effective time management can be an invaluable tool when a parent is attempting to juggle many different responsibilities. One way to organize yourself to more efficiently balance your day is to begin each day with forming a to do list. Then, after making a long list of things you would like to do, look at it and begin to prioritize. What needs immediate attention? What needs to be taken care of before noon? Before dinner? Before bedtime? What things can you persuade another family member or friend to help with, possibly? Once you understand what your priorities of the day are, accept that these may change as the day progresses, and it will be fine if they do, you can “go with the flow”. Learn to say “NO.” Stand in front of a mirror and practice it. Remember that you are doing this with your children’s best interests at heart.

The quality of the life you spend with your children is so much more important than what all you can manage to accomplish in a 24 hour span. Accept the fact that there will be dust bunnies lying around. Learn to live with a few dishes in the sink from time to time. So what if you buy a pizza instead of cooking that perfect meal? The kids will think they are eating grand if you include a side order of breadsticks!

In addition, here are some little things you can do for yourself that will brighten your day, lift your moods, and bring about a general feel of well being around your home. Remember, if you are happy, the pleasantness of your character is sure to rub off to those around you!

Learn relaxation, yoga, meditation, or whatever healthy coping skill allows you to relieve stress, tension, and anxiety. Take a walk, read a book, call a friend, take a nap. Allow yourself some private time each day, even if it is only a half-hour. Begin to develop an intimate circle of friends and family. Turn off the phone and allow your answering machine to pick up your calls. Do something you wouldn’t normally allow yourself to let your hair down to do — turn up your favorite music and dance, not caring who sees you and what they think. Cuddle up in your favorite chair with a good book and a glass of tea. Take a long, relaxing hot bath at the end of your day. Treat yourself to a manicure, a pedicure, or a massage. Begin a journal to write your stressors or worries into; then, once you close the book, refuse to dwell on them anymore during the day.

Allowing yourself the opportunities each day to get away for just a few minutes is an ongoing goal to work towards. Just remember, stressed out moms and dads create stressed out kids. Remind yourself of what is important. You are not perfect, never have been, and will never be. So, accept that and understand that the world will not come to an end if you are unable to do everything at once.

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In this factsheet, we will look at the reasons for the growing acceptance of single parent adoption and discuss some of the questions that you, as a prospective adoptive parent may ask as you begin the adoption process. We will explore, too, some of the issues facing a single adoptive parent, and learn about the available resources to guide you in this exciting new venture.

Why Does A Single Person Adopt?

Why would a successful, independent single man or woman want to give up his or her freedom and assume the responsibilities of raising a child?

The desire to nurture and to share life as a family is a strong universal need that is felt by a large number of people and one that is not exclusive to married people or couples. Often a single person finds life incomplete, as one single woman expressed, “I had a stable job and could give a child many benefits. And I had love that needed to be given and a need to be needed. I wanted some purpose to my life other than my work and my cat.” Because many women have pursued careers and put off marriage and having children until they are older, they find that they have reached their thirties, without a husband, but with a compelling desire for a child. Adoption becomes a viable option for single women who feel that having a child out-of-wedlock is unacceptable or who find that they are infertile.

Some men and women feel that they can provide a better life for the children living in institutions or foster care or in countries that cannot provide them with the basic necessities. One teacher said, “Because I continually saw children in my special education classes who lived in institutions or went from foster home to foster home, I decided that even as a single parent I could do more for a child.”2

Loneliness may be another factor in deciding to become a single adoptive parent. As Dorothy Dooley, adoption director at the New York Foundling Hospital, said, “Loneliness cannot be your only motivation for adoption but it certainly could be part of it. The need to share is a complex human response. If you care enough about children to want to share your life with one of them, that’s a healthy need.”3

Why Is Single Parent Adoption Becoming More Prevalent?

A number of factors have encouraged the acceptance of single parent families. Perhaps most is the growing number of one-parent households due to divorce and to unmarried women having and keeping their children. A recent New York Times article reported that more than half of the Nation’s 9.8 million African-American children under 18 years of age, nearly one-third of the 7 million Hispanic children, and one-fifth of the Nation’s 51.1 million Caucasian children live with a single parent.4 While women are the primary caregivers for most of these children, there are also one million single fathers in this country.5 With so many children living in this type of home environment, adoption agencies have been more willing to consider unmarried men and women as prospective adopters.

Most of these single parents work full-time and are financially responsible for their families. While shouldering the economic burden, they continue to maintain the home and care for the children.

The issue of personal finances has become less important with the availability of adoption subsidies in almost every State for children with special needs. This has encouraged those with limited incomes who are otherwise capable and willing to adopt to pursue adoption.

The adoption picture has also changed. The number of healthy Caucasian infants available for adoption has decreased dramatically due to birth control, legalized abortion, and the decision of unwed mothers to keep their babies. Therefore, agencies have a shortage of babies to offer couples who are interested in adoption. Most of the children who are available for adoption are older or have disabilities. As the adoption agencies struggle to find homes for these children, single parent applicants have become more widely accepted.

Another factor is that single adoptive parents have proven to be very successful in encouraging their own acceptance. The latest research indicates that children raised in single adoptive parent families compare favorably with other adopted children and show a healthy involvement with friends and family as well as in the activities of their age group. It has been shown that it is the instability of broken homes, rather than the absence of a parent, that causes difficulty for a child 6 In 1985, an 8- year longitudinal study of 22 single adoptive parents reported that the child care provided by the parents had been consistent and of high quality. The researchers stated that, “The single parents of this study lead busy lives and seem to manage the demands of jobs, home, and parenting with a sure touch.”7 The parents interviewed, who were both African-American and Caucasian, had adopted young children, most of whom were under the age of 3. The authors questioned whether a single parent placement would be as appropriate for an older child who has had difficult experiences, since more older children are available today.

These researchers concluded that “single parent homes may be particularly suited for children who need intense and close relationships and thus particularly appropriate for many of the older children in foster care who are now being prepared for permanent homes. For some children, such a close bond may meet a need and be a path to normal development.”8

What Are the Obstacles?

Despite the greater acceptance of single parent adoption, the traditional view of parenting, that a child needs a mother and a father for healthy growth and development, still exists. Mental health experts say that the “ideal” is to place a child in a two-parent home with a mother and father who are compatible and loving. However, there are many children for whom this “ideal” is not possible and many single people who feel that such bias is unfair.

Your family and friends may be your first hurdle. They may not understand why anyone would assume the responsibility for raising a child alone. They may ask if you have lost your senses. It may or may not be possible for you to convince them that you know what you are doing. One single parent who experienced this situation advises if this happens to you, “Be strong! You can’t let people around you tear you down. They may be negative. If this is your choice, then don’t let people influence you.” She added, “Wait until the child comes and you’ll see how involved some of your friends will get.”

Agencies have varying policies in dealing with single applicants. Some don’t accept them at all. Others may put your application and request for a home study (a family assessment) on the back burner while waiting to find a couple who wants to adopt. The children offered to you may have disabilities that you cannot handle or be 12-years-old when you requested a toddler. If you pursue independent adoption (a path to adoption with no agency involvement) birth mothers may balk when they learn you are single.

Single men face even tougher scrutiny as they are asked intimate questions about their sexuality, motives, friends, and living arrangements. They may be qualified to parent and still be turned down.

Going at it alone is not easy. Adoptive parents and agencies, in preparing prospective adoptive parents, stress the importance of having friends and family who can lend support and serve as a back-up system. All the responsibilities will land squarely on your shoulders, such as caring for a sick child, picking the child up at his or her friend’s house, choosing the right school, and speaking to school counselors. Having a strong network that you can rely on will ease some of this responsibility and provide relief from the constant role of parent.

It will also help if you can demonstrate to a potential adoption agency that you have thought through some of the long-term implications of being a single adoptive parent. For example, if you have evaluated your financial situation thoroughly before going to an agency, and can present a realistic picture of how you plan to provide for a child over the years, they will see how serious and stable you are. Also, expect questions about how you will handle your social life once you become a parent, and be ready to discuss your feelings about this in an open, straightforward manner. You are not expected to give up your adult relationships when you adopt. In fact it would be unhealthy for you to do so. However, you will need to strike a new balance in your life as you juggle the new role of parent with your other roles. It would be good for you to show that you have thought about these issues in a mature and sensitive manner.

As you approach agencies and other adoption resources, you have to believe in yourself. The process may not be a smooth one and you may have some doors closed to you. But as one successful adopter put it, “You have to believe that there is a child somewhere in the world waiting for you.” Your determination and assertiveness can make your dream come true.

Who Has Adopted?

All kinds of people choose to adopt-there is no one “acceptable” type. There are women and men who are highly educated with well-respected jobs, high school graduates with blue-collar jobs, people with grown children, and others who want to care for a child with special needs. They are all capable people who have a lot of love to share. Many are in the “helping” professions- psychologists, teachers, nurses-and want to improve the lives of children.

In spite of the many obstacles often put in their way, single men do adopt. In fact, 1 out of every 10 members of a national support organization, the Committee for Single Adoptive Parents, is a male. Traditionally, there has been a strong bias against male applicants by adoption agency personnel. They might think that, “a single man could not be sensitive to a child’s needs;” or, “a boy needs a mother;” or, “I wonder what kind of man wants to raise a child alone.”9 These beliefs are diminishing as the number of men who are successfully caring for children grows. The rising number of divorced men with joint custody, coupled with the inroads made by feminists who expect men to take a larger role in childrearing, has led to an increase in the number of men who feel comfortable and are competent in raising their children. Adoption agencies have found that single fathers can be the best placement for boys who need strong role models and guidance in an accepting, loving environment. The men who have persevered and overcome the prejudice are outspoken advocates for adoption. Taurean Blacque, an actor and single father of nine, felt that “I had to give something back . . . to share something.”10 Kojo Odo and Father George Clements of Chicago are prominent examples of men who have made a major commitment to raising children.

What Are the First Steps?

Lois Gilman, in her thorough and informative book entitled The Adoption Resource Book, suggests that as a prospective adopter, you should begin by exploring resources that will help you build your family and that will provide information and support in the coming years. Her advice is (1) make contact with adoptive families and parent groups, (2) obtain general information from social service agencies and learn any details about specific adoption programs, and (3) read.11

Single parents are almost unanimous in extolling parent groups as a rich resource. These groups can provide information about which agency to go to, which social worker to ask for, and exactly how to proceed. As the process gets underway, parent group members can provide support and encouragement as well as stories of first-hand experiences that can prove invaluable. A list of parent support groups in your area and other single parents to talk to is available by writing to the Committee For Single Adoptive Parents, P.O. Box 15084, Chevy Chase, MD 20825. The Committee serves as a clearinghouse for singles seeking information. The modest membership fee entitles you to a listing of agencies and other contacts, with updates, as well as recommended readings and information about recent adoptions (including country of origin and age of child).

Meeting or corresponding with other single parent adoptive families will help you learn more about adoption first-hand and guide you in focusing on the type of child you might consider adopting. For instance, if you think you want to adopt a foreign child, try to spend time with a family who has gone through an intercountry adoption and learn as much as you can about their experience.

To learn more about the adoption situation in your State, you will want to contact the State’s Department of Public Welfare or Social Services and local public and private adoption agencies. Their addresses can be obtained from your local phone book or by contacting the National Adoption Information Clearinghouse. The Clearinghouse can provide listings by State of agencies and can answer specific questions about the types of children who are available. You may choose to find a child through a private or intercountry adoption, but as Lois Gilman points out, “touching base initially with local agencies gives you a better grasp of adoption in the United States and in your State today.”12

Another resource for this type of information is the National Adoption Center, 1500 Walnut Street, Philadelphia, PA 19102, (215) 735- 9988 or 1-800-TO-ADOPT.

Books on adoption in general and single parent adoption in particular may be available in your local library or bookstore. The bibliography included with this factsheet may help you in gaining an understanding of some of the relevant issues. Books on childcare and development are also relevant as you consider raising a child, especially books with sections on single parenting. The National Adoption Information Clearinghouse is a valuable resource that provides information free of charge and can recommend more books and articles on these topics.

How Do You Find the Child That You Want?

Perhaps the most important concept to keep in mind in searching for a child is determination. Whether you work with a public agency, pursue an independent adoption or look to another country for a child, you must be your own best advocate and stay focused on your goal of becoming a parent. This perseverance will serve you well as you enter the adoption arena.

You may have a good idea of the type of child you are interested in adopting. Or you may still be open to considering a variety of children.

If you are willing to consider an older child, a disabled child, or a sibling group, you should approach a public or private agency. Many are responsible for children who are living in foster care or institutions, and who are waiting for permanent homes. Applicants must meet certain requirements, but depending on the agency, there is some flexibility in the selection process. Agencies are eager to place children with special needs. In general, an applicant needs to be at least 25 years old and need not own his or her own home or have a large income (subsidies are available for many of these children). Stability, maturity, and flexibility are characteristics that are highly valued by agencies. In assessing single applicants, social workers are particularly concerned with your plans for childcare, the kind of support network (friends and family) that can serve as your back up, and your ability to provide male or female role models.

A growing number of public agencies acknowledge that a single adoptive parent may, in fact, be the “placement of choice” for some children. Kathryn S. Donley, former Executive Director of New York Spaulding for Children sees single adoptive parents as having special capabilities that can be especially helpful to children who have had traumatic histories. They can provide (1) a high caliber of parenting potential (the screening process for singles is so exhaustive that only the most persistent survive), (2) a simplified environment where the number of complex relationships is reduced to a minimum, and (3) focused nurturing. Since the single parent has fewer distractions, he or she can perhaps spend a fair amount of time analyzing and responding to a child’s needs and building a relationship.13

Many of the children available through public and private agencies are from minority cultures. Most agencies are hesitant to place a child of one race with a parent of another race, and try, whenever possible, to find a parent of the same ethnic, religious, and racial background. Some private agencies have religious affiliations and work primarily with adopters of that religion.

If you have your heart set on finding an infant or if you find that a public or private agency is not responsive to your needs or eager to work with you, there are other adoption resources available.

A number of foreign countries will consider single adoptive parents and have a wider range of children from whom to choose. At this time, Brazil, El Salvador, Honduras, Peru, and Bolivia are among the countries that accept single applicants and have infants and young children available for adoption. The volatile nature of the governments in these countries makes it difficult to know, with certainty, what the adoption policy will be over a long period of time. Most require that an adopter be at least 25 years old.

Pursuing an intercountry adoption is expensive and can be complicated, time-consuming and fraught with uncertainties. It also may be your best chance of adopting a young, healthy child. To help you determine whether you are truly interested in pursuing this type of adoption, an experienced intercountry adoption agency, Holt International Children’s Services, has devised a series of questions and comments for prospective adoptive parents to consider. They deal with issues of race (since most of the children are of Asian, Indian or African heritage) and of your motivation for adoption. A copy is included at the end of this paper.

If you are considering foreign adoption, try to find people who have adopted children from abroad and meet their children. Attend parent group meetings where children accompany their parents and look at photographs of children from other countries. A child from Chile looks different from an Indian child or a child from El Salvador. See if this type of adoption “feels right” for you.

Betsy Burch, Director of Single Parents Adopting Children Everywhere (SPACE), a Massachusetts support group, thinks that singles should consider adopting siblings. “If you want more than one child, and you want both children from the same country, you may want to adopt them at the same time,” she says.14 In doing this, you will not have to deal with the very changeable international adoption scene, where a country may accept single adopters one year and close their doors the next year. It may also speed the process, since, countries are eager to keep families intact and will let you adopt, for instance, an infant with his 3-year-old brother. The Committee for Single Adoptive Parents can provide a listing of adoption agencies that will work with you to locate a foreign child or children.

Another way to adopt a baby is through an independent or private adoption. It is important to find out if it is legal in your State and then find an attorney or physician willing to work with you. Like other adoption sources, singles compete with couples for available children. In this situation, it is often the birth mother who makes the final selection. There are pros and cons to pursuing an independent adoption. Those who are against this method of finding a child feel that the screening process for adoptive parents is not rigorous enough and that birth parents don’t receive adequate professional counseling before deciding to make an adoption plan for their child. In some cases, this lack of preparation may lead to an uninformed decision and a contested adoption later on. If for some reason the placement doesn’t work, there is no licensed agency to accept responsibility for the child. The child would then become a charge of the State agency.

Those who have adopted independently cite the lack of bureaucracy and restrictive selection by an agency as a positive aspect, especially if you are single, older than 40, divorced, or physically handicapped. Many welcome the chance to speak to and possibly meet the birth mother and to have some knowledge of her educational or socioeconomic background. Like foreign adoption, the costs are high and you may need to travel to pick up the child.

To learn more about independent adoption, contact Families for Private Adoption. This is a District of Columbia based group that offers workshops and advice, and publishes a workbook that includes attorneys’ names in the Washington Metropolitan area and contacts throughout the country. The address is P.O. Box 6375, Washington, DC, 20015-0375, (202) 722-0338.

What Are the Costs?

Fees at adoption agencies vary. Some agencies charge no fees-these are usually public agencies where the children often have special needs and subsidies can be offered to help defray the costs of raising the child and taking care of medical expenses. The subsidy may include a monthly care payment, medical assistance coverage, and a one-time cash grant to offset initial adoption costs. Other agencies operate on a sliding fee scale, based on a family’s income.

Private agencies deal with children of all ages. Today many of these children are older and have special needs. Private agencies operate differently from public agencies and are usually set up as nonprofit organizations with a governing board of directors, rather than as a department run by a city or State. Many have religious affiliations, and birth mothers are often referred by clergy. Most, though, will place children of all religions. In the case of older child adoptions, they may also offer subsidies and may charge no fee or a minimal one based on income. In the rare instance where an infant is placed with a single parent, the adopter sometimes assumes responsibility for the birth mother’s expenses until the child is placed in a permanent home. These expenses could include sheltering, legal, or medical costs which could range from $5,000 to $20,000. The higher figure would be for a long sheltering period and for a difficult delivery and extended hospital stay.15

Stanley B. Michelman and Meg Schneider, authors of The Private Adoption Handbook, explain that the costs of independent adoptions can vary dramatically. They offer a breakdown of fees, estimating the range to be from $3,000 to $20,000. They advise that fees over $10,000 do not necessarily mean that the adoption is “black market” or illegal. They state that, “If your lawyer believes the expenses are necessary and he or she is willing to fully disclose to a judge the entire amounts paid, you can assume that he or she thinks the amounts involved are reasonable, justifiable, and legal expenses.” They say to “trust your own feelings and your lawyer’s reputation.”16

Foreign adoptions are expensive as well. While the costs in each country differ, they often are in the same range as domestic adoptions. The costs will vary depending on whether you must travel to the country to complete the adoption, and if you must stay there for a period of time, how much those expenses are. To familiarize yourself with the types of fees associated with intercountry adoption, you might refer to the aforementioned Adoption Resource Book for a detailed listing, 17 or to the Clearinghouse factsheet “Intercountry Adoption.”

What Services Are Available After the Adoption?

For some children who are adopted, the adjustment period takes a few months; for others it takes years. Bringing a child home is not the end of the process. And despite your strong motivation and readiness for the job, you may need some help in making the adjustment to parenthood.

You may find that your shy teenager has become belligerent, refusing to obey the rules you have established. Or maybe you have started to resent the demands on your time that your baby makes-you are tired and overwhelmed. Or your daughter refuses to sleep at night and has nightmares when she does. She may be afraid that you are not going to keep her, if she has suffered serious rejections in the past. All children pose issues for their parents at various stages of their development. Adopted children have additional questions about their identity and heritage that will need to be addressed.

Whatever the issues, there is help in the form of postadoption services. Postadoption services include support groups, therapy, workshops for adoptive families, and books and articles that address parenting issues with a focus on adoption.

More and more licensed adoption agencies now offer these services and would be the first resource to contact for help. If you’ve adopted through an agency, you probably have a contact there who can guide you.

Support groups can be invaluable in providing encouragement, suggesting resources, validating your feelings, and recommending therapists. By this point, you are probably already connected to one. If not, The Committee For Single Adoptive Parents can help you locate a local group and put you in touch with experienced single adopters.

It is important to realize that asking for help is not a sign of weakness or an indication of failure. As a single parent, it was your determination that enabled you to find a child and get through the adoption process. Using this strength and resourcefulness to work on family relationships is a positive way to establish a new lifestyle, and one that will benefit you and your family.

It is difficult and challenging to be a parent today, and it is even more difficult to raise children alone. We as parents are often overwhelmed and lacking the parenting skills necessary to do a good job. But good solid parenting has less to do with the number of parents in the home and more to do with the quality of parenting. Whether the single parent household is headed by a mother, father, or a grandparent, raising children alone is an enormous task. Why should we care? Because the statistics tell us that most of us will live in, know of or be involved with a single parent family at some point.

Since 1970, the number of children living in a single parent family has doubled. In fact, statistics from 1992 indicate that single parent families represent 30% of U.S. households, while 25% represent two parent households. Based on current trends, there are predictions that upwards of 70% of children born since 1980 will spend some time living in a single parent home before their 18th birthday. These children are not doomed to failure. The following strategies are offered to the single parent who is determined to raise a good kid despite the myths of doom and gloom.

1. ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT

Adults and children do better when single parenthood is perceived as a viable option and not as a pathological situation. Start with a positive attitude and focus on the benefits of single parenting, such as less conflict and tension in the home. Many single parents treasure their newfound autonomy and independence and feel hopeful about the future.

2. YOU ARE THE BOSS

Establish firm, clear boundaries that leave no doubt that you are the boss In the home. Single parents (and two parent households) often make the mistake of allowing children to become equal partners or peers, and too many children are running the show. This loads to serious individual and family problems. Children need limits. Use consistent discipline that provides clear expectations and guidelines for behavior and rely on natural and logical consequences. Learn to say, “I love you enough to say NO to you.1′ (My kids hate that one).

3. DEAL WITH OVERLOAD

The single parent frequently feels overwhelmed by the responsibility, tasks, and emotional overload associated with raising children alone. It is extremely important to manage time wisely and to ask for help when necessary. Assign children appropriate chores and tasks. Arrange car pools when possible, and ask other parents for help when needed. My children would not have been able to continue in club soccer were it not for the kindness of other parents providing rides to practices and games.

4. RECOGNIZE THAT YOU ARE ONE PERSON AND YOU ARE DOING THE BEST YOU CAN.

No matter how loving and competent you are, you are still only one person and you are doing a job most agree Is meant for two people. Do not allow your children to manipulate you by making you feel guilty about the situation. Remind children that you are a team and have to work together. Give yourself credit for a job well done. You may have to wait until your kids are grown before you get any credit from them. This is where a sense of humor comes in handy!

5. CREATE A STABLE, NURTURING HOME

Nurturing is a high priority, but children also crave stability and security. While this Is important for all children, it Is especially crucial for children who have suffered 8 loss of stability due to divorce or death of a parent. Children need to feel secure and protected, and it Is our Job as parents to create a nurturing environment where they can thrive. Your children need to hear how much you love them and how proud you are. Some children may require more affection and attention than others, so know your child, and take your cue from him/her.

6. ESTABLISH SCHEDULES AND PREDICTABLE ROUTINES

Part of creating stability and security in the home involves establishing predictable schedules and routines for your children. Of course, we must not be rigid and inflexible, because children need to learn that life is not always predictable. Find a healthy balance.

7. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF

It is critical for your children’s well being for you to take care of yourself. There are times when you feel like you need a break. Ask other single parents to trade babysitting or hire a mother’s helper. Pay special attention to diet, exercise, stress management, and getting a good night’s sleep. Learn relaxation, yoga, meditation, visualization, or whatever healthy coping skill allows you to relieve stress and tension. Take a walk, read a book, call a friend, take a nap (my personal favorite). A stressed out parent results in stressed out kids.

8. DEVELOP A RELIABLE SUPPORT SYSTEM

Develop a wide network of people who can provide you with emotional support, companionship, help in emergencies, child- care, reality checks, etc. Be selective and choose caring, reliable, trustworthy people who will be there for you In times of need. Single parents with healthy support systems usually feel better mentally and physically and demonstrate to their children that it is OK to ask for help. Support groups for single parents offer an excellent opportunity to socialize and share with others in similar circumstances.

9. DO NOT TREAT YOUR CHILD AS A PEER

Do not confide in your child as though he/she is your peer, regardless of how mature the child appears to be. This is a common mistake made unintentionally by many single parents who turn to their child for emotional support and don’t realize they are hurting the child until after the tact. Allow children to be children, and find other adults for companionship and support.

10. HAVE REALISTIC EXPECTATIONS

Focus on success and not on failure. Set realistic goals as a family and work together to accomplish these goals. Decide what is important and prioritize accordingly. Have family meetings on a regular basis and allow children to have In put. Learn to effectively communicate and solve family problems together while still demonstrating that you are the boss. Give your kids credit and give yourself credit.

If you are feeling overwhelmed, depressed, anxious or stressed, get professional help. A competent therapist can help you find the light at the end of the tunnel. I know how difficult it is to be a single parent, because I raised my children alone for eight years. A great support system contributed to my ability to be a good parent and raise two good kids! You can too!!

About the Author
Arlene Istar Lev, CSW-R, CASAC, is a family therapist who specializes in working with lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgendered people and their families. She is the founder of Choices Counseling and Consulting, which has been serving the Albany, NY, area since 1986.

This book is one of the most inclusive queer (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, etc) parenting manuals out there. I highly recommend it for LGBT parents and anyone thinking about starting a family. It is an engaging read, full of funny stories and information. It is also one of the only books I’ve read that has been truly inclusive of bisexual, transgender, genderqueer and gender-variant families as well as talking about butch-femme family dynamics. This makes it a far more relevant, inclusive and current books out there… Especially for trans and bi parents and prospective parents who have been completely disregarded by most queer parenting resources, books, and groups.

I appreciated the personal stories from various parents and the author’s clearly open-minded approach. She seemed less bent on proving to the conservative right-wingers that we’re the same as them, normal, etc… and more focused on talking candidly and honestly about the experience of being a LGBT parent and family. It gives a broad and realistic view of the struggles and joys of parenting in a homophobic world.

But this book has a few drawbacks - First, it is unfortunate that this book does not include much about parenting teenagers. It is geared more towards families with younger children and people who are considering parenting.

Secondly, some people will find her section on transracial adoption angering and alienating. Istar Lev’s approach to white families adopting children of color is incredibly misinformed - She seems very defensive and used biased and sometimes even blatantly inaccurate information to dismiss the concerns many people of color have about the wellbeing of children of color being raised by white families, especially in isolated mostly-white communities. Her claims about the origins of the concepts of race and racism are historically untrue, and her statement there are not enough suitable families of color to adopt kids of color is a factual error, as studies have shown that it is in fact racism in adoption & foster parenting agencies, and lack of outreach, that prevents kids of color from being placed in their own communities. This misinformation and the defensive tone sadly detract from important and necessary points about how white families whose children are of color can raise their kids with cultural pride and awareness and the skills they need to survive as people of color in a racist society.

Diaper changing tables are generally a waste of money.

Tag sales are a great place to stock up on equipment and toys — the best ones are in high income neighborhoods.

Soak cruddy used baby stuff overnight in a full bathtub with a cup of bleach added.

Due dates mean very little — this is your first lesson in not being in control. (You can expect comparable frustrations and uncertainties if you are planning to adopt, so you won’t escape this valuable instruction.)

Try to meet all your delivery care providers beforehand, including “backups.”

Some activities, like going to the theater or foreign travel, will be harder when the baby comes. Indulge yourselves now.

Learn good lifting technique. Your back is the first thing that will go. A squirming 10 pound baby is harder on your back than a 25 pound toddler who knows how to keep its balance.

If this is your first child, there is no way you can fully prepare yourself for what is about to happen. Try to relax, get some rest and don’t panic.

You can hear the baby’s heartbeat when it’s big enough by placing your ear against the mother’s lower belly.

The baby will seriously disrupt your love life. Talk about this now.

To learn how to deal with childbirth and the medical community, get a copy of Sense and Sensibility in Childbirth by Judith Herzfeld, Ph.D. You should also check out the midwife option.

You should buy a car seat before the baby comes. Some hospitals won’t let the baby out without one. Check up on the latest advice about how to use car seats safely, particularly if you have a passenger side air bag.

If you’re winging parenthood on your own, you know it’s difficult to carve out time to pay the bills, let alone do financial planning.

Here are some suggestions for streamlining your financial life and building up your net worth:

* Establish a cash reserve. Everyone should have an emergency cash fund, but it’s especially crucial for a single parent. “A good rule of thumb is an emergency fund equal to three months of expenses, but your savings needs to ultimately reflect your financial situation,” advises Gayle Buff, a certified financial planner in Newton, Mass.
* If your job is secure and finances strong, then a home equity line of credit or open credit on a credit card is sufficient. Invest your extra cash more aggressively. However, if your job is unstable and your finances tight, then you need to tighten your belt and put away six months of living expenses.

The key to establishing a cash reserve is to be consistent.

Take Control of Your Finances
Healthy finances require that you pay attention to how you spend your money.

“Managing cash flow is difficult,” says financial planner Mari Adam, of Adam Financials in Boca Raton, Fla. “It can seem time consuming and overwhelming, but it’s time well spent. If you ignore your expenditures, money simply disappears.”

Set up a spending plan. Write down your short-term and long-term goals. Ask yourself how you can accomplish them. The first step is to evaluate your spending habits. Track your spending for three to four months, or look back over your checkbook and your income for the same period. Do you have any discretionary funds? Do you need to cut back your spending? Take the time to develop a spending plan.

At this juncture in life, the top financial goals should be to accumulate assets that will increase your net worth and your retirement savings. Pay yourself first through payroll savings plans and your 401(k).

Protect Your Family’s Future
Across the board, financial planners agree that single parents, in particular, need disability insurance and life insurance as a contingency plan to protect themselves and their children.

Long-term disability insurance overs your most valuable asset — the ability to earn an income. Yet, it’s the most overlooked insurance, explains Phil Behnen, certified financial planner with Polaris Financial Strategies in St. Louis, Mo.

“Not only is it vital for your financial health, but it’s inexpensive,” he says.

Check with your employer to see if you can pick up this coverage at work.

Life insurance is particularly important for single parents, especially if you are the sole supporter of your children.

Gayle Buff recommends purchasing term life insurance over permanent, or cash value, life insurance. Permanent life insurance, which combines insurance with an investment option, carries higher premiums, and is often too expensive for the amount of insurance you need, leaving you short-changed on coverage.

“The investment products are poor investing tools,” Buff says. “You’re better off buying term life insurance and investing the savings on your own.”

Estate and Contingency Plans Are Vital
Single parents should have a will to protect and provide for their children in case something happens. Your will names your children’s guardians and controls your estate — that is, everything you own from your house, bank accounts, investments, insurance and personal property to your retirement plans.

If you die without a will, the state becomes the executor. Bankrate’s Dollar Diva offers more details on setting up a will.

Single parents should also have a living will and a durable power of attorney. A living will expresses your wishes if you become terminally ill or incapacitated, and a durable power of attorney empowers someone you trust to carry them out.

Invest for College Early
The earlier you save for college, the more your money grows. Mari Adam highly recommends the state-sponsored Section 529 college savings plans, which grow tax-free.

Most incomes can’t heavily contribute to both retirement planning and college savings, so Adam recommends investing small amounts to both — just get started.

“A common investing mistake is to invest too much money under the child’s name,” says Phil Behnen. Parents who open investment accounts for their child may find these earnings produce a larger tax bill than expected, due to the kiddie tax. Plus, parents who opt for custodial accounts need to remember that their child can access this money when they turn 18 years old. They may or may not choose to spend it on its intended purpose.

Lastly, a large sum of money in the child’s name can hurt their chances for financial aid. This is one more reason to consider Section 529 plans, Behnen says, because they’re assets of the owners, typically the parents, not the child.

Invest Aggressively for Retirement
“Don’t invest too conservatively,” says Behnen.

Concentrate your investments in growth-oriented investments.

Take advantage of your company’s retirement program.

“The biggest mistake people make is they don’t participate in their company’s pension plan, and then lose out on the company’s matching contribution,” Behnen says.

He also recommends that you contribute to a Roth IRA. “Adults who learn to invest early,” explains Behnen, “don’t get used to having a higher income level to spend; they learn to live within their means.”

Pay yourself first! Financial planners agree that the most reliable investment strategy is an automatic debit from your paychecks into your investment accounts. “A good rule of thumb,” says Adam, “is saving 10 percent of your income, which includes your employer’s contribution.”

Here’s why you should diversify your investments for a stronger portfolio.

Make Your Money Go Further
“Take a look at your entire financial picture, and see if you can restructure anything to make it work better for you,” says Gayle Buff.

Consider your banking products: How much does the checking account cost you? Can you put your cash reserves in a more productive vehicle?

How about your credit cards: Can you get a lower rate? Perhaps you’d do better to pay off high interest debt with savings from a low interest bearing account.

Own a home? A refinance may be beneficial.

Be tax savvy. In this down market, you may be generating a taxable loss. Make sure you claim this on your income tax return.